let's start off at grumpys,
with a distinct scent of virgins mixed in with some transplants who's the brightest of them all, get some glowing shoelaces and off we go the tourist neon trap lights our wayd but it is home to the hare same diff slamming bodies doo daddy droppin it to the floor dance dance revolution we followed the hare down by Hard Wood store caution, the light is green, our sweet cunterfeit bills too distracted thinkin about Bs&Js now on to the river, with a surprise salmon check but first, we must sing songs at one of the busiest intersections in the city two notes, then onto the tower sexcapade escalier shots to pass up and down between the bright lights of two cities we have tales and tales of el caminos and alcoholic dinosaurs now onward home we ended up grumpy again but we sure did glow along the way accusations and commendations make a good pair, as long as we're all together get ready for a full moon! -Papa Porta Jawn Where: Watkins Drinkery
Hare: Cunterfeit Bills/ Same Girl Different Dog RA: EBS Attendance: 21 Who Came: Cockstradomous R3 Moutin Deez Nuts Poly Pocket Same Girl Different Dog Three Whores Down EBS Lincoln Fucknancial Field Vaginacologist Cunterfeit Bills Papa Porta Jawn Where’s my D? Tits of Steel Slothy Seconds Just Andre Leaf it up the Arse Phoof there it is Just Christina Vanna Blackout Just Allison Just Andrew Once upon a time in a land far away called South Philly there sat a bar…erm castle, Watkins Drinkery. South Philly and Watkins were magical places. Gathered at Watkins were a group of the most beautiful creatures (hashers in onesies) who identified as Ben Franklin Mobbers. There were the group's fine leaders Slothy Seconds, a sloth, and Moutin Deez Nuts, an admirer of penguins. They even had a jester, Everything Butt Sex, a space cat, who explained the group's expedition. They had many loyal followers gathered as well, such as Cockstradomous, a dragon, R3, a bear with flappy flaps on her face, Poly Pocket, a narwhal, Lincoln Fucknancial Field, a human, Vaginiacologist, a troll, Where’s my D?, a penguin, Tits of Steel, a Cookie Monster, Just Andre, a pink unicorn, Leaf it up the Arse, AKA Darth Vader, and Just Christina, a human. In addition Vanna Blackout, a human, moved to the land to follow this group, while Phoof there it is, AKA Kermit the Frog traveled to be there from the far away land of Reading, PA. Two new humans to the group joined them that night as well, Just Allison and Just Andrew. Just Allisons, partner Three Whores Down, whose form could not be identified (I don’t remember if he had a onesie on?) had tried his best to prepare Just Allison for the journey they were about to make. While Just Andrew had been told of this great group through a fellow hasher, um I mean creature, Pornagain Christian. As they gathered Vanna Blackout spoke of her arduous journey from the land of Roxborough to get there. They poured libations in preparation of their journey ahead. When they were ready they gathered outside of Watkins Drinkery to find strange symbols had been drawn upon the ground. EBS, jester and space cat, explained that two fellow creatures, Cunterfeit Bills, a teddy bear, and Same Girl Different Dog, another Cookie Monster, were on the run with treasure. It was up to this group to follow these strange marks and find them! The visitors/ transplants were asked to identify themselves, and when Phoof there it is, AKA Kermit the Frog, did not step forward he was called out. When asked about why, he responded “I just didn’t”. Where’s my D?, the penguin had brought a bubble blower to fight monsters along the way but it broke during a serious battle and she had to leave it behind. This journey was not off to a good start. The group set off, some running, some jogging, and some walking. The streets of South Philly were lined with beautiful twinkling lights and cars parked way too far into crosswalks. Just Andrew, the newcomer human, proved himself to be a quick learner and mastered the mysterious marks well. He was later to be labeled an “overachiever”, a compliment disguised as an insult. At times the group would stop at marks that looked like song checks to sing, becoming troubadours (that’s a $5 word). Typically these were songs passed down generations, but when an odd silence befell the group, Leaf it in your Arse, AKA Darth Vader, came up with his own song, a riff on some oldie Where’s my D? Was not familiar with. Leaf sang about clits, dicks, and hands on them on the steps of a bar as muggles (non-hashers) walked around him trying to exit the establishment. Eventually the group found Cunterfeit Bills, a teddy bear, and Same Girl Different Dog, a Cookie Monster in the park. There they found the treasure- beer, hard seltzers, sugary confections, birthday hats, and money sign glasses! It was a birthday party! It turned out Cunterfeit Bills and Same Girl Different Dog, as the Aquarians that they are, hadn’t run off with stolen treasure, but were actually celebrating their birthdays and wanted to share the joy with the group. They had left behind those mysterious marks so all the lovely creatures of the Ben Franklin Mob could find them! There at the park Papa Porta Jawn, an Eeyore, and Three Whores Down, whose form could not be identified, joined the group. Then the group split again as Cunterfeit Bills, the teddy bear, and Same Girl Different Dog, the Cookie Monster had even more treasure hidden in another location! Unfortunately along the way party hats were lost. The group eventually came upon the second location, a shot near! Delicious sweet potions were drunk while the creatures played on a nearby playground. A group of them climbed upon a magical spinning ride, with Just Christina, the human holding on merely by her butthole. When all seemed to be going well, the group had run out of that sweet sweet nectar and Where’s my D?, the penguin never even received any! Luckily Leaf it up the Arse, AKA Darth Vader shared a sip and Vanna Blackout the human had emergency vodka mixed with pedialyte on her, a truly well prepared hasher. After all had consumed their potions and were full of yummy treasure in their belly and livers, the group was off to return to the castle, Watkins Drinkery. On their travel back they came across a T/E split which was explained as a turkey/ eagle split. Just Andre, who had somehow shape shifted from a pink unicorn into a human was unfamiliar with this. Due to his lighting agility he was recommended to not go on the turkey trail, as it would not be challenging enough for him. On the way Papa Porta Jawn, the Eeyore, and Moutin Deez Nuts, the admirer of penguins, had a speed walk race which was very much frowned upon by Poly Pocket, the Narhwal for racey behavior. Upon arrival back to Watkins Drinkery disaster was had. Moutin Deez Nuts, admirer of penguins, hash crashed up the stairs and then spilled/ peed beer or something on the ground. The spill was penis shaped at least. While Lincoln Fucknancial Field, the human, spilled ice and water everywhere. It was a disaster and a gang of pool players had started to form and were not too happy with the hash creatures shenanigans. The visitor, Phoof there it is, AKA Kermit the frog and transplant, Vanna Blackout, the human, lightened the mood however. Phoof showed off his pecs by making them dance while Vanna flashed everyone her fanny. The comes latelys, Tits of Steel, the Cookie Monster, and Vaginacologist, the troll were jeered. Tits of Steel revealed herself to be a sexy mermaid under her Cookie Monster form. Just Allison, the human was called out for being way too prepared for a hash. Where’s my D, the penguin was called out for being that white girl. Names were mistaken; is it Phoof or Floof or Poof? Tits of Steel became Steel of Tits, and Slothy turned into Sloppy. The best part of the night however did not start until it was time to truly celebrate the birthdays in the best way hash creatures know how, with side-sides! Counterfeit Bills had transformed from a cute teddy bear into a sexy golden goddess. In Cunterfeit Bill fashion, she required a shot of whiskey instead of beer for her side-side. This may have been a calculated move on her part as there was not enough time to tie her shoes together. Same Girl, Different Dog, the Cookie Monster and Phoof there it is, AKA Kermit the Frog also celebrated their birthdays with side-sides. The group continued to drink throughout the night eventually parting ways. On-On until their next adventure! Hares:
Sex Toys for Tots Silence of the Goats February 10, 2022 The first hash following AGM 2022; the first trail with the new mismanagement. It was a cool, clear night. Comfortably in the low 40’s. We started our “onesie” party in the upstairs den of Cavannaugh’s Headhouse on 2nd & Lombard. S/O new GM Diltdo Dragons for lending me her Kangaroo onesie. Apparently most experienced hashers have a full wardrobe of various onesies/costumes. Poly Pockets flexed her RA muscles and hash-hushed us into oblivion until all the children quieted down for chalk talk. All True Trail Arrows are true…ON OUT!!! We headed into Penns Landing…BACK CHECK 12 (not salty since I wasn’t FRB) Soooooonnnnnnnnnggggg Check! 🎵IMMA NECROPHELIAC…NA NA NA NA NA NA NA🎵 We continued weaving in and around Society Hill neighborhood. Soooooooooooooonnnnnngggggg Check! 🎵HOT VAGINA FOR YOUR BREAKFAST🎵 BEEEEEEEERRRR NEAR - Tattooed Mom on South St Pretty crowded inside and a little toasty. Goats and the walkers owned the front end of the bar. Butt & Paste forgot her I.D. and couldn’t stay in the bar :( but…spoiler alert - S/O Fort Dixalot for sneaking a beer outside. PBR’s (ewww, sorry I’m a diva) for everybody! Although I was begrudgingly down-downing my PBR, my mood instantly improved at the discovery of two smol doggos in this little side room. Cockstradamus and Doo Daddy Too were fortunate enough to hold these tiny balls of happiness. ON OUT! SOOOOOnnnnnnngggggg Check! (in front of a church) 🎵Jesus Saves Jesus Saves Jesus Saves🎵 Soooooonnnnnngggggg Check! 🎵Do Re Mi🎵 Another Back Check?!?!?!?! (very salty this time as I was fully in racy mode at this point in the trail) On In! New RA Catalina Piss Mixer masterfully corralled the hash through circle. Copious amounts of cheesy, questionable accusations, as per usual - a sexy crab (2 Beds), a furry tail that looks like it might be a…nevermind. We even had an “accomodation” courtesy of Where’s My D?. Thus concluding the hash. And yet, our night had just begun. FRB: 60K9 DFL: Vagina is For Lawyers Hashers present: 60K9, Catalina Piss Mixer, Vagina is For Lawyers, Poly Pockets, Fort Dixalot Pirate King of the Brandywine, Let the Bodies Hit the Whores, Where’s My D?, Cockstradamus, Diltdo Dragons, Reduce Reuse Recoitus, Doo Daddy Too, Everything Butt Sex, Butt & Paste, Easter Egg Cunt, Slippery Prick, 2 Beds 1 Nightmare Onesies present: Dog, Crab, Kangaroo, Lemur, Cat Jumper suit, Lilo & Stitch, Furry ears/tails, Polar Bear, Sloth, Fox, Shark, Dragon HOLY SHIT WE HASHED OUT OF A BAR!! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN… YEARS? DECADES? OMG!
Ok I’m done yelling. On November 18 hashers came from across the nation (ie Philly area, DC, Chicago and even far flung Manayunk) to gather at Cavs and down the finest mystery beers before trail. We had visitors cum for marathon weekend and Just Tom made a virgin cum for the first time. There was even a rare and awesome Side Show Bob Job sighting. Trail started off with the good omen of an actual El Camino in a parking garage. I am a cat person, not a car person and wasn’t sure that they actually existed. They do. We hit the Playground Check and climbed around as gracefully as if we were all 60k9. Beer Near was in a cute garden next to 76. Fort Dix a Lot wanted to throw a bra onto a passing car but the safety committee talked him out of it. Storm clouds gathered so we chugged our beers and headed (who said head??) out. The rain was pouring, Poly Pocket was yelling at random runners who were not Roadside Assistance, Everything Butt Sex was missing, Emo Kid’s poncho was, according to some accounts, ejaculating. But just as the chaos was climaxing we reached the shot near! AssAssination and Groundhog Lay had made us extra thicc smoothie rum shots. We finally got to cum in from a dripping wet trail to a warm toasty bar with chicken wings. AND a rare and awesome Statutory Consent sighting! Oh the joys of indoor circle. When I was a kid we had indoor circle all the time. Mommy’s Cumming taught us all how to get the most out of a banana and Just August did a heroic trust fall into a virgin side-side. Hashy Birthday! It was a beautiful start to a beautiful weekend and my voice was shot the next day because goddam we are loud in bars. And I wouldn’t have it any other way 😊 Hashers on trail: General Tso’s Dicken, Schroedinger’s Cock, Burlington Ho Factory, Poly Pocket (Supreme Ruler), Fort Dix a Lot, Vagina is for Lawyers, Cuff me the Vampire Player, Roadside ASSisstance, Just Tanya, Just August, Just Tom, Groundhog Lay, AssAssination, 60k9, WET HOLE!, Emo Kid, The World’s Okayest Kirkland, Sideshow Bob Job, Just Adam, Everything Butt Sex, Blink Five Foot Two, Statutory Consent, and Music to my Tears Down Down the Rabbit Hole feat. Slippery Prick
On a balmy night in April, hashers wandered up and down the Avenue of the Republic. We had heard there was a trail. And that chalk talk was around here somewhere, but… where? Our hares, Slippery Prick and Down Down on the Brown Brown had gotten the pack lost BEFORE the start of trail. Definitely a new record and extra impressive because this was Slippery Prick’s virgin BFM lay. Finally, we found Just Adam next to an almost-invisible chalk talk. He had been there all along, possibly sensing the presence of chalk talk (One of us! One of us!) A largeish pack of hashers began to gather around the big gate thing near the Please Touch Museum. The scent of cherry blossoms drifted delicately on the breeze, and freshly vaxxed hashers hugged for the first time in over a year. We were naively happy and had no idea what the hares had in store for us at that point. We started off and immediately came to a Turkey/Eagle split. The Eagle trail descended into a rocky, overgrown creek. As the pack picked and stumbled its way through, Shrub came flying past us, in danger of becoming airborne as Shadow pulled him through the shiggy. Eventually the rest of us emerged from the woods, dripping wet ;) 😉 xoxo We coasted down a hill into the first beer near. 60k9 served up smoldering gargoyle looks for the camera while perched atop a post. Werk it! Dogs frolicked and music played from EDM’s speaker. Suddenly, Two Beds arrived at the beer near and flung a plastic Easter Egg at Slippery. Pastel colored jelly beans rained out, and like totally normal adult people Headshart and I thought “5 second rule” and ate them. The rest of the night was a mix of hallucination and reality. Where’s My D? and Bread Dicks pole danced on a streetlight. The pack crossed all the way to the far side of a bridge, answering a riddle asked by a troll to gain passage only to hit a Back Check and have to cross the same bridge and get quizzed by the same troll again. We plunged deep into an ancient forest and followed an endless winding path. Woodland creatures waved from the shadows and an enchanted tree even pointed Cuff Me in the direction of On-On. GML pulled half the pack over a vertical wall and immediately the trail led back down the other side of the wall. The second Beer Near was uncannily like a rave in our post-pandemic brains and the third Beer Near was uncannily like an On In. Nothing was real and yet, somehow, everything was. In attendance was: 2 Beds 1 Nightmare, Roadside ASSistance, HeadShart, Sgt. Snatch Snitch, Down Down on the Brown Brown, Where’s My D?, Highway Whore, Me Shrub You Longtime, Slippery Prick, EDM, Gay Matthews Lamb, Wheels on the Bus go DownDownDown, Poly Pocket, Cuff Me the Vampire Player, 60K9, Just Adam, Bread Dicks Bread Dicks Everywhere, BonerTown, and Music to my Tears Most likely to fart in public?
Sphincter grease Most likely to lie to the police? Cuff me Most likely to win a Nobel Prize? Two Beds Most likely to remain single forever? Everything ButtSex Most likely to become a magician? Poly Pocket, Bread Dicks, Bread Dicks Everywhere, Diltdo, and Two Beds Most likely to lock themselves out of the house? Where’s my D Most likely to order pizza within the next 24 hours? Sphincter grease Most likely to be the first to die in a zombie attack? Where’s my D Most likely to pick up a person at a funeral? Just Ali Most likely to fuck in public? Poly Pocket and Wheels Most likely to be afraid of watching horror movies? Cuff me Most likely to lose their phone on trail? Where’s My D Most likely to Irish Goodbye? Sphincter Grease and Poly Pocket Pocket Honorary mention: Mouth Down Most likely to move out because of a spider? Cuff Me Most likely to have an imaginary friend? Sphincter grease, Poly Pocket, and Where’s my D Most likely to be a horrible boss? Fort Dix Most likely to be attacked by a wild animal? Diltdo Most likely to get a face tattoo? Diltdo Most likely to set a Guinness World record for something? Fort Dix and Sarge Most likely to work in the White House? Bread Dicks, Bread Dicks Everywhere Most likely to be a parent’s favorite? Music to my Tears and Bread Dicks, Bread Dicks Everywhere Most likely to fight in public? He’s a Lesbian Most likely to get a stalker? Where’s my D Most likely to imprisoned? Fort Dix Most likely to have marry their best friend’s ex? Where’s My D and Bread Dicks, Bread Dicks Everywhere Honorable mention: Groundhog Lay Most likely to live in the wilderness? Diltdo Most likely to work for NASA? Two Beds Most likely to stay longest in the bathroom? Poly Pocket Most likely to be an undercover agent? Wheels and Just Joanna Most likely to sleep naked? Shrub and Sarge On a frosty February evening, just after the election of our new GM Poly Pocket, I cracked open a Naturdays and sat down with members of the BFM to talk about kinks, fetishes (which I now know the difference between thanks to Mouth Down South), and weird stuff that our bodies can do. Led by our hare, Wheels on the Bus Go Down, Down, Down, we embarked on a no-filter game of truth or drink. No r*nning required!
I learned a lot that night, so I don’t remember all the winding paths of sexuality that we explored, but one of them definitely led to the topic of the best orgasm you have ever had. Jewels of Denial kicked things off by explaining to us the tantalizing and wonderful world of edging. And Cuff Me the Vampire Player reminded us all that a real orgasm is better than a fake one. The BFM has a lot of orgasms. Orgasms with hands, toys, and partners. Everything Butt Sex weighed in on the best kind of orgasm: My kingdom for a well-trained clit! He declared, and I can’t argue with that. We dove deep into the wonders of the human body. Just Heather taught us how to induce a poop and I would be willing to bet that at least a few who were in attendance that night have tried her innovative technique in the days since. Bread Dicks squeezed a delicate droplet of pus from his nipple. And I fell, as a result, yet more deeply in love with him. We discovered that romance is alive and well as You May Go described his re-enactment of the famous steamed window car sex scene from Titanic. I don’t know about you, but when my car windows fog up, the only things in there are me and a large pizza. Unfortunately, porn is not doing as well as romance. Too much step sibling stuff. Not enough crying. And why does every porn clip involve the word “daddy”? Someone suggested that we should abandon visual porn and start an erotic book club and I am all for that idea. For real, I am like so into that idea please hit me up. In the end, the BFM is like… pretty sure where our g-spots are and honestly, that’s half the battle in this wild Sybian ride that we call life. In attendance was: Poly Pocket Bread Dicks, Bread Dicks Everywhere Wheels on the Bus Go Down, Down, Down Just Ali Slippery Prick Just Heather Groundhog Lay AssAssinNation Cuff Me the Vampire Player Everything Butt Sex Where’s My D? Two Beds, One Nightmare Casting Couch Not In My Hair Mouth Down South Jewels of Denial 60K9 Gay Matthews Lamb Pablow PicassHo Tits of Steel You May Go Music to My Tears Hear ye, hear ye! Gather round for a tale of good vs evil, of light versus dark, of drunk vs sober! Our beloved hares Diltdo Dragons and Knights of the Pound Table prepared a bounty of chalk, flour and beer for the benefit of the slobbering townsfolk.
It was deep into quarantine and the middle of virtual Mayor's Cup distance week when our beloved Tits of Steel volunteered to lay an actual trail for the hungry hounds of the Ben Franklin Mob. Little did we know that she had something planned to the benefit of us all.
Social distance has not historically been a trademark of the hash, but sacrifices have been made for the safety of you wankers. (Because we truly love all of you!) To that end the trail was dead laid and open to any willing to brave it solo, or for double-arm's length packs at 1pm and 6pm. It is unknown if any solo hashers attempted and survived trail (Has anyone heard from 3Balls?), but the early start was tackled by Jug Stain, Under the Siege, and their fair and feisty spawn Squishy and Ice Ice Baby. There was some tortoise play and certainly more shenanigans as well. The late start, albeit still early for the BFM, began just before 6 when Shrub found excellent parking for the day's bag car and wandered into the square to pre-lube. The next to arrive was none other the 2Beds 1Nightmare who realizing he had 20 minutes left to spare made the most rac*ist decision to take off immediately to acquire a "couple" more miles for distance week. Thankfully, Shrub was not alone for long as Cuff Me arrived followed shortly by Groundhog Lay, Just April, 60K9, Wheels on the Bus Go Down Down Down, Music to My Tears, her virgin Just Martin, and Gay Matthew's Lamb. The normal (never normal) pre-trail discussion consisted largely of Zoom etiquette experiences, a discussion of the most offensive movie clips, and Groundhog's friend who is writing a letter a day to Gov Cuomo in an attempt to reopen gym's in NY (I mean if it worked for Andy Dufresne's Shawshank prison library...then why not?). Following 2Bed's return and a quick facebook check for late cummers we decided to get on with it. Chalk talk began with a review of the normal marks and a reminder that Tits laid trail on roller skates...wait, she laid trail on roller skates? Yes, on ROLLER SKATES! What could go wrong...at least we can be sure of no shiggy. The packed headed on out towards the river and around a curve away from a playground where hold on...where is half the pack? Five hounds went almost immediately NO-NO, but whatever, we'll see them again in the middle right? The remainder of our already small group found the correct trail (at least we thought so) and navigated across the river towards Franklin Field...missed a check and had to sniff back to find the way. We were led down a no pedestrian access road (again she did this on roller skates!) around Penn Medicine and were witness to many health care heroes donning masks and the liftoff of a life-flight helicopter. At this point our blood was pumping, we were not at all nervous about exposure so close to the hospital workers, and we were thirsting for an impromptu beer near as we exited the medical center area and headed towards the main Penn campus. It's college, so there must be beer available somewhere right? Alas, my fellow hounds, we did not find beer. We did however find the other half of our pack who had truly done the end of trail backwards. After barely any discussion, it was decided that trail had been accomplished by the group and we would ON-IN directly from there seeing as Tits might have underestimated the impact of rolling resistance on mileage. But hey, she did great benefit for the BFM in Mayor's Cup distance week! The last couple of masked miles were accumulated at a leisurely pace while Just Martin enjoyed his nuts (he had apparently squirreled them away for just this occasion). The pack made it back to Fitler Sq to find Statutory Consent and the suspiciously of-age Just Shane for an impromptu BN out of Shrub's cooler. With our thirst quenched the pack disbanded to return to a digital existence and a circle via Zoom. We are deliberately returning to the world fellow hashers! This trail was so shitty it almost felt normal and it is wonderful to at least see half of your faces from as close as six feet. Until next time...ON-ON! |
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April 2024
Ben Franklin MobAlways runs on Thursdays at 7:30 PM with the pack out at 8 from various Philadelphia locations. Categories |