Written By: Down Down on the Brown Brown
The Hares: Poly Pocket and Sex Toys for Tots
The RA: Groundhog Lay
Knights of the Pound Table, Me Shrub You Long Time, Down Down on the Brown Brown (DDBB), Roadside ASSistance, Everything Butt Sex, 60k9, Tits of Steel, Not In My Hair, Jug Stain, Sphincter Grease, Wheels on the Bus Go Down Down Down, Cuff Me the Vampire Player, Statutory Consent, Angry Inch, Tinkle Bell, Cause for Blindness, Cums In Spurts (Dayton H3), Repeat Offender (Shanghai H3), and after his first trail—ever—Just Shane.
Chapter One: The Best of Times, The Drunkest Of Times
It was the best of times, it was the drunkest of times. It was also the first trail of our new GM Cuff Me the Vampire Player’s reign of silence and unlimited rummy bears—that was definitely her platform, right? On a snowless winter night, the BFM assembled--conch shell not included--at Drinker’s Tavern for what was expected by all to be a very shiggylicious trail. Some would be disappointed. Our hares Poly Pocket and Sex Toys for Tots graced us with their presence, or at least I think they did—I was encountering my hourly brown out—and laid out truly uninspired marks for chalk talk. The pack paid no attention to the two soulless and sadistic hares and continued to drink. Tonight’s RA Groundhog Lay poked and prodded the pack, encouraging them to follow him into the alley next to the tavern to do some activity called chalk talk. I’m pretty sure Statutory Consent’s virgin was fully expecting to get diddled by a rodent. Chalk talk was uninspired, yet somehow after hours got the pack’s juices flowing, pack members introduced themselves including visitor Repeat Offender of Shanghai H3 coughing on the pack, somebody had too much Corona while prelubing. With the strong blow of a whistle, grunting, whining, and the as always late appearance of Cause for Blindness, the pack trotted off, heading due North, West, and South before, the racist pack members thrusted their way North towards a brooding true trail (full disclosure, I’m kind of turned on writing this rn).
Chapter Two: Trail As Old As Time
The pack forcefully moved west, with Groundhog Lay and Down Down on the Brown Brown, overachieving as usual, on a normal night, that would have been fine, but as they raced into NPS property they realized the hares were expecting this and we’re already messing with the pack, because they saw a group of pissed off NPS Police either looking suspiciously at them or completely undressing them with their eyes, GL and DDBB decided they’d go with it, and began to cross the street to inform the police that flour was being dropped in the vicinity and also to see if they wanted to join the hash or engage in a cuddle puddle, two steps towards the street, the rejected the both of us—bummer man. Sphincter Grease came sprinting next, followed by REDACTED and Angry Inch and Tinkle Bell caught up after wanting to avoid a potential arrest on trail, the rest of the pack joined for already the 69th song check on trail. These hares we’re obviously focused on messing up trail. A song was sung, banter was exchanged, and no handcuffs got slapped on, the pack then, led by Sphincter Grease and an unknowing Cause for Blindness grinded the fuck out of a statute outside a restaurant, before we turned down a street with puddles. Because trail didn’t get him wet enough DDBB splashed through every puddle he could find and got himself so moist, no shiggy makes DD a dull boy. The pack watched in horror before leaving him behind. After a horrible front of pack mistake following a horrible true trail left, Everything Butt Sex saved the day and recommended crossing the street. He was right, led now by the over-compensating-for-attendance Statutory Consent, we passed the Penndot Drivers Licence Center, where we lost Not In My Hair, who also kind of saved the day, and who reappeared after alone time. After several sketchy crossings with close calls…we made it out of the Fashion District and Chinatown. We poked towards Fishtown knowing full well we’d never make it there, hoping beer or drinks would show up, we are going to drink right? Sure enough most of the smarter pack members, Wheels, Cause, Shrub Me, Jug Stain…frankly everyone BUT Groundhog, Statutory Consent, Just Shane, Down Down, and surprisingly Roadside ASSistance, turned around realized they were following no marks and caught up with the pack at….a SHOT NEAR.
Chapter Three: Death by Paint Thinner
The entire pack arrived at the Shot Check, except the hares, who later told me they were laughing and watching the torture that would follow from the hare’s vehicle. FOR SHAME! One by one the pack stepped up to drink from what looked like a bottle of paint thinner. Knights of the Pound Table made a disgusting face and sincerely questioned the quality and flavor of what was inside before just putting some in his mouth. Wheels enjoyed it, Repeat Offender did too, so did Cums in Spurts before he picked up some chalk and showed how big and intricate his Dayton H3 true trail marks were. The pack was impressed…not your usual shape and size. A shot exchange run by Sphincter Grease was a hit. Shots were shared and that new BFM shot thingy was the tits. The pack packed up and hit the trail, this is where shit got weird, the pack went down a tiny alley, they all stuffed in and fit, DDBB took chalk and drew a Pole Dance check which Statatory Consent grinded on, and Knights almost hopped on. Then in realization that our virgin was becoming a Just, Cause decided to give her honorary hug and assess the new member of the pack. We scared the whole alley way with our songs and gooble gobbles and caused a car to just stop, and then ran towards the river. No one noticed that Groundhog Lay and Cuff Me had disappeared.
Chapter Four: The Final Count Down Down Down Down
DDBB overheard shit about beer can tabs, but thought it was a cool new young people thing. Either a new bedroom position or medication, DDBB is getting too old for the latter, but shrugged it off, it was coming from Wheels and the eco-friendly Not In My Hair, DDBB finally reconnected with 60k9 who was admiring the big dogs locked in an office building by the river. We slowly hit the river, where GL and Cuff Me, and the hares were waiting. A short photo shoot ensued, so did some drinking, and the pack took off on foot, the hares (most likely by car), we passed the dogs again, 60k9 and Angry Inch reminisced and we’re clearly hangry and ready for trail to end, one uphill section…up stairs that is, and a straight away ON IN. The pack made it back for a crazy circle.
Circle happened, Virgin Shane became Just Shane, per usual the circle was out of control. We were joined by Thud Muffin, Silence of the Goats who started accusing everyone and in turn found her home in the middle of the circle, and Two Beds One Nightmare. It was glorious and DDBB remembers very little of it, probably because of the art form that followed Danger Can. Sphincter Grease summoned a post circle, more like an oval, of complete dumasses who shook a beer can and bashed it on their heads, Knights gave it a valiant try while looking graceful, Shrub Me looked badass as he attempted to bust to no avail (see a doctor), Statutory Consent did a shake weight move and gave her noggin a tap but the beer can slipper didn’t fit, then DDBB looked like he was doing a lot of work but then gave his temple a love tap and pretty much just mocked the process before tossing the poor can back to Sphincter Grease who taped in the right spot and let the brew drip all over his Fire and Ice promoting face, followed by applause and beer money shot.
-Written by Award-Winning On Sec Down Down on the Brown Brown