Where: Drinker's Tavern
Hares: Tinkle Bell, The Angry 1"
Ass Ass 'Nation
Baa Ram Him
Gay Matthews Lamb
Lance Ass Strong
Post Traumatic Goose Disorder
Pounded in the Can
Sex Toys for Tots
Side Show Bob Job
Silence of the Goats
Taco I Barely Know Her
The Angry 1"
Up Her Alley
Where's My D?
Just Emo Kid
Other Just Lisa
Just Brad (Virgin via SotG)
Just Jen (Virgin via Beef Jerkless)
Would that I had never awoken today! I just had the most fantastic dream! I was stranded north of the Wall and a thousand wildlings were closing in on me, nearly as fast as the once-in-a-generation blizzard that had eradicated my entire scouting party. Just as I was preparing to draw my last breath, Jon Snow, shirtless and stunning, emerged amidst the white-out to rescue me! However, he looked and sounded just like Fort Dixalot! (but it was really Jon Snow.) I mean, Jon Snow was rescuing me, but it was Fort Dixalot too… but it also wasn’t weird at all! When he offered me his direwolf pelt and a freshly slain deer shank – I melted! Just as we were settling in to bivouac, I was stirred awake by a fire engine outside my window! Oh Diary, I can only imagine what dark desires could have been fulfilled had I only remained asleep a few moments longer!
26 JAN 2016, 7:00AM
I was so agitated this morning that I could hardly eat breakfast. Such a shame too, because mom made her famous Cap ‘n Crunch crusted, blueberry and almond french toast! She looked at me cross eyed when I told her that I wasn’t hungry. But I just couldn’t eat!! I mean, how could I, when my stomach was still churning from my northern adventures with Fort Dixalot!!? Oh, I hope he sees me at hash tonight… I’m going to wear my most impressive onesie! I wonder, does he even know that I’m alive!??
26 JAN 2016, 8:55AM
Oh Diary, I’m so mad right now I could JUST DIE!! The whole bus ride to school I was mustering the courage to FINALLY tell Fort Dixalot how I feel! Right before homeroom, I swear we made eyes, and I knew that he had noticed my Charizard onesie! I was just about to make my move when LITTLE MISS PERFECTS SILENCE OF THE GOATS AND SLOTHY SECONDS SWOOPED IN TO STEAL HIS ATTENTION! Oh, I hate those two, with their perfect bodies and non-existent tan lines!! And their calves!! Ummm, hello? Venus de Milo called and SHE WANTS HER FUCKING LEGS BACK! UUUGH they are the worst!! I wish I could just clunk their heads together tonight in the most satisfying hash crash ever! LOL! Oh diary, I should not think such thoughts!!
26 JAN 2016, 12:15PM
Lunchtime. Of course Slothy and Goats sat with Fort Dixalot; they even carried his tray for him! Gag me – they are so pathetic!! Today I had lunch with Gay Matthews Lamb, Gellatio, Goose and Commando Christ. Most of us went with the standard fare: pizza rolls or cheese fries. Goose, to my amazement, brought in a bag-lunch consisting of $40 worth of leftover Chinese food!! Man, he is so cool! I wish he didn't live so far away in Manayunk, otherwise we'd be besties!
A few “Justs” asked if they could join us, and we were happy to accept them. There was Just Mego – she had really cool hair, and a pair of Just Lisas – who were a blast! I have a good feeling about this bunch! Just Emo Kid sat by himself at the other end of our table again, reading his Kerrang! magazine and looking all Emo. I think on Monday I’ll ask him to slide on over to join us too.
26 JAN 2016, 2:20PM
I forgot to tell you! Earlier at lunch Commando confided in me that he doesn’t wear undees at all. Like… EVER!! Gross!! I have to admit though, I’m a little curious! I think I may give it a try. After all, you can’t knock it until you’ve tried it!! I wonder if… Ooooh, there’s the bell – time to jet, THURSDAY IS A HASHING NIGHT!!
26 JAN 2016, 8:22PM
Chalk Talk!! So Silence of the Goats and Slothy Seconds delivered, guess what, ANOTHER brilliant chalk talk tonight. God they’re just SOOOOO perfect. (blech!) Slothy even slipped the word “penultimate” into her introduction for good measure! (umm, I had to look it up!!) Jeez, what DON’T these chicks do!!? I think Slothy got like a PERFECT score on her SAT! (btw, penultimate means: second to last.)
26 JAN 2016, 10:02PM
Tonight’s trail has been fantastically shitty! Tinkle Bell and the Angry Inch (prediction, next year's impossibly adorable Hash Prom King and Queen!) laid maybe the straightest, laziest trail of all time! There were several checks that didn’t veer anywhere, as well as plenty of song checks, J-checks and my favorite, the butt-slap check! Yes Diary, I know what you’re about to ask and NO, I didn’t poise myself to be slapped by Fort Dixalot. He doesn’t even know I exist! Oh, I would just die if he ever touched me like that!
The beer near was lots of fun. I was sad not to see Commando Christ at the mid-run interlude, but unfortunately… HE HURT! Perhaps I’ll catch him at circle later.
26 JAN 2016, 10:40PM
Have I had it ALL WRONG!?? After the beer near I had the most epic hash crash!! I slipped on a Center City Restaurant Week flyer (XOXO Philly?? F$%! you!) and came crashing to the pavement, skinning my knee. After composing myself, I looked up to find two willing hands offering assistance, belonging to none other than Silence of the Goats and Slothy Seconds!! I was so mortified by my hash crash, but Slothy and Goats were gracious and very comforting! Silence of the Goats reassured me, saying, “Don’t worry Gag, it happens to the best of us!” and Slothy recommended her favorite Halo Top ice cream – her preferred remedy when life has her feeling blue.
Diary, I am such a wretch!! I feel so guilty that my jealousy led me to judge Slothy and Goats so poorly! OH and, I nearly forgot the best part! After I finally regained my footing after my fall, Fort Dixalot ran by, (glided gracefully is more like it), patted me on the rear and said “Shake if off Gag, your first beer tonight is on me!” Oh diary, don’t be offended, but this may be my last entry for a while… I think I’ve finally discovered where I belong!!
27 JAN 2016, 12:17AM
P.S. When I ask Just Emo Kid to join us for lunch on Monday... Remind me to drop the “just”.
GAG REFLEX, YEAR OF THE DIX, THE GOAT & THE SLOTH