Where: O’Neal’s Pub, 611 S 3rd St Philadelphia , PA, 19147
When: 2/15/18 7:30 (8:10 Pack Off)
Hares: Straw Draw -3 Balls & Strawberry Shartcake
Shop N Fuck
Honey I Shrunk the Tits
Baa Ram Him
He’s a Lesbian
What What Mud in the Butt
Semen on the Poop Deck
MacGyver Muff Diver
Tits of Steel
Condom Fuck Sister
May I Cum On Ya?
Jewel of Duh Nile
Visitors: Areola 151 from Charlotte H3
At 7:42, 3 Balls plucked Ground Hog Lay’s lifeless blue heart from the box of candy. The blue candy heart said “Peace” and 3 Balls promptly peaced out and would not be seen again until the Beer Near. Strawberry Shartcake was waylaid into helping him lay trail. Little did he know that 3 Balls runs like he fucks and I guess when you have three balls you’re able to go for hours. Straw-drawn trails seem more daunting than normal, but Shop N Fuck happily prelaid a small portion to help get the hares started. This would have been a pleasant respite for the average hare, but an unfair advantage for these Front Running Bastards. The weather was a warm night for February, but still cold enough that hashers could complain about it and the ensuing typhoon.
“3 Balls drew, you’re all fucked” - Ground Hog Lay. Having been elected to both the office of GM and RA, Shop N Fuck was left to run Chalk Talk. This went as well as could be expected (like leaving a Roomba to clean up after an incontinent Rottweiler), with the pack relocating a few times until he found the proper corner.
[Side Note: Someone must have tricked Shop into thinking they’re paid positions or maybe in a late night half drunken stupor he heard a political attack ad and thought he could become a double dipping pension padder.]
Since there were no virgins the half minds were eager to depart. When done talking Shop N Fuck tried to give chalk to AssAssination for marking trail, but she promptly snapped it in half and threw it down as a challenge. AssAssination tried to cover by saying she thought it looked like a marker and snapped it trying to get the cap off but only some of us were fooled.
It started drizzling and from there it rained intermittently for the rest of the night with a few good downpours to wash away the marks and make things more fun.
The half minds were off at 8:10 and quickly devolved into small cadres of hashers running ahead trying to find trail while a larger contingent maintained a more reasonable pace and from behind heckled the front running bastards when they would have to double back after losing their bearings in the rain. Lots of people dislike the thought of running trail in the rain, but it brings people together in strange ways with small devoted groups running ahead together feverishly trying to find the next mark, while the rest of the pack clumps together to chat and tell amusing stories, joke with each other, and heckle those less patient.
At one point Slothy Seconds, shouted On On and when those further ahead turned around perplexed she shouted, “No, no, for the people still back there” [there weren’t any.] She later channeled her inner Mike Tyson or maybe Boggs from Shawshank Redemption and exclaimed, “ I’m a watch you fall behind...I’m a fuck you in that asshole if you fall behind.” I wish I could tell you that He's A Lesbian fought the good fight, and Slothy Seconds let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but hashing is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew.
The rain increased from a drizzle to a steady downpour and started to become a challenge for any hashers with glasses or multiple layers of clothes. Layers might be warm in the cold, but in the rain turn into misshapen sponges that create strange lumps and lead to chaffing. Slothy Seconds remarked how the rain and her bra were transforming her, “I totally have Demogorgon boobs”. The thought of Demogorgon boobs made 60K9 contort his face in either revulsion or delight to which Slothy Seconds scoffed, “Real men think about putting their dicks in any holes!” [Side Note: As an ambassador of the hash, I’d like to state that all boobs no matter whether you self identify them as transdimensional apex predators or as bags of sand, ALL BOOBS ARE WELCOME to be displayed proudly or proudly kept under wraps for safekeeping, so long as we all agree that cone-nipple people are by far superior to target nipple-assholes. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub, indeed.]
The conversation then turned to 3 Balls, where he might have disappeared to and all the myths and legends that revolved around this BFM demigod. Like Sasquatch or the Krampus, he was rumored to have not been spotted for years, stories were told about how some thought he was a track coach that could run across water, and punished misbehaving pupils that couldn’t keep up. It was said that he would collect the worst of them and take them back to his barn of curiosities for punishment...or drinks and a great time.
At this point things were starting to get dark and like most long trails run in the rain, hashers were getting irritated and frustrated at the lack of marks that likely had washed away. Some hashers had to dodge canine confections and shouted to look out for what looked like a “Wet, loose turd, like after drinking.” Shop N Fuck feeling responsible for the rain or possibly the turd thought they were talking about him, but fellow hashers soon reassured him that if he was ever to be compared to feces it would be one of those Christmas miracles that cats and dogs leave under the tree after having eaten tinsel. The rain and confusion were getting to everyone, but then that glorious sound that we all relish was heard from blocks away and we all scampered towards whomever shouted “On On!”
As spirits picked up hashers started talking again about their future plans like the Green Dress Run and about past fun. Like when Groundhog Lay won a bet to wear a pretty white dress that he probably would have purchased on his own had his muggle friend realized what he did weekly with the rest of his free time and 30-40 friends in a drunken, singing rabble.
Having picked up some tips from some race-ists, Slothy had planned on hiding Hershey Kisses in her clothes for fuel throughout the run and the rain might have melted them, but alas it was not to be and she unfortunately forgot them. “I pooped my Demogorgon boobs” will sadly have to wait for some future ejaculation.
Finally the hash came upon its first song check after an hour and a half, everyone gathered to sing “She Likes it in the Kitchen” and then got the hell back on trail. It took 5 minutes to spot the next mark because of the driving rain, and the sneaky trail that took us through a parking garage much to the confusion of hotel guests and garage valets alike.
From there trail started to lengthen due to the weather conditions and at one point it seems that the half minds couldn’t tell whether they had entered or exited Washington Square Park and if everyone had continued along beyond it.
Groung Hog Lay - “What about the people that went into the park and never came back?”
Baa Ram Him- “They were Taken™.” [Insert several hashers making movie references and pretending to be Liam Neeson, without having those particular set of skills, namely the actual movie quotes and acting chops.]
Another mile down the road a [first for this On Sec], we came across a false Beer Near. There was a Beer Near mark that looked like it had been trampled, or heavily rained on. The windows were tinted and the inside was smoke filled. From the outside the bar looked like a rough place with tradesmen or maybe a place for men that like rough trade. Shop N Fuck volunteered to check inside to see if it was the right place. After entering, he exited just as quickly as he came, but with a little spring in his step.
At 9:50 we were able to finally make it to the Beer Near, located at Manny Brown’s. Here the pack caroused with tasty pints and the finals for Men’s Short Dance Figure Skating. In a conversation about the Flu, Jewel of Duh Nile thought that “water can give you the flu” and was later given a Down Down in circle for it, but there may be truth to it, provided that water is filled with rhinoviruses and what doesn’t go on you goes in you, “Just like…”
More stories abounded and Groundhog Lay gave everyone the 411 that in Montreal the place to be is McDonald’s. “Every fucking one of them has sex workers if you go there late because they all go there when they get out of work.” It’s unclear it you can barter for off menu bonuses, but if you can stomach trading sloppy 7ths for a Happy Meal you might be able to whet both appetites at once. Whether taking about sex workers or fast food it was unclear but GHL was heard remarking, “I’d take Five Guys over an In and Out…”
The last beer was drunk and the pack was once again off. On the final leg back Jewel of Duh Nile and Strawberry Shartcake were seen giving a few muggles directions, recruiting them for the BFM, or negotiating the price of a ZJ.
After a straw trail was spread over a long night we all made it back to O’Neals and circle started at a prompt 11:05. Trail length was 4.5 miles for its laziest hasher or around 7 for its most masochistic.
FRB: Some warm and dry Autohasher [Booooooo]
DFL: What What Mud in the Butt
The hares were given Down Downs and Shop N Fuck also blamed Groundhog Lay for allowing 3 Balls to be one of the hares. [In the future we might have to tape their legs together and give him three legs to match his balls in order to have a chance at keeping up].
Runner Girl shamed AssAssination for not knowing the order for “fucked” and “drank” in the Cums Lately’s song, “Where oh Where”. [You can’t drink a virgin without first fucking them? Or is it the beer that need to get fucked first?]
For more info: http://bfm.phillyhash.com/hash-hymnal.html
Philly Green Dress Weekend from March 17-19th and how there were only 3 regos left at $79.
What What Mud in the Butt -
Taco Tuesday H3 will be having a trail March 13th to start your Green Dress Week.
Baa Ram Him -
Boston Marathon Weekend April 14th-16th Rego is Open
Shop N Fuck -
“If you don’t like Straw Trails then see your Hare Razor and volunteer to hare!”
Areola 151 From Charlotte H3 -
Charlotte Green Dress is on the Saturday March 10th (weekend before the Philly Green Dress weekend).
Cum check it out: https://hashrego.com/events/ch3-charlotte-green-dress-2018
3 Balls -
April 2nd Philly H3 is having a trail starting at the New Hope HS trail.
Tits of Steel -
March 4th Joint Hash and Dancing Fools Birthday. If you cum, bring bags for cleaning it up and mainly for partaking in Dancing Fool’s errand of picking up some trash on trail and making the world and Philly in particular a better place.
Condom Fuck Sister was seen eating tainted candy hearts and felt a bit woozy so Just Mike tried to cradle his head in his crouch, both looked on with blissful acceptance, like a married couple that was just toasted after having their 50th anniversary.
The map of trail below was confiscated from one of the laziest hashers. Trail was much longer for others. The smiley faces are rough approximations of the pain felt by any half mind foolish enough to attempt trail without plenty of booze and funny half minds to make the rain and length seem irrelevant and trivial. Friends don't let friends run alone or without the proper lubrication. ON ON!