Where: Philadium Tavern 1631 Packer Ave. Philadelphia, PA 19145
When: Thursday June 7th 7:30 (8:00 Pack Off)
Hares: Uncle Fister
Cuff Me the Vampire Player
Sex Toys for Tots
Baa Ram Him
Pounded in the Can
Tits of Steel
Silence of the Goats
He's a Lesbian
May I Cum On Ya
To be updated
Trail began at the South Philly hotspot Philadium [not to be confused with the after hours club Philatio]. We had two virgins in tow, Just Jenny and Just Ben brought along by our hare razor Groundhog Lay. At 8, Shop N Fuck filled in the newbies on the elaborate trail marks that our hare Uncle Fister would be laying for us to follow. The pack took off after their hare and in the span of a few minutes came across local street toughs and their malevolent progenitors. The street toughs asked us what we were up to and why we were tagging up their turf with chalk gang signs. The precocious rabblerousers shot us steely eyed looks while we tried to assure them we weren't a gang and that the flour was not drugs [I don't know what hasher would be wealthy enough to lay trail in such things, but I'd like to be the Kato Kaelin to their... on second thought nevermind]. Their parents apparently weren't swayed by our out of breath promises that we're not terrorists and it wasn't drugs.
Having previously bribed the local constabulary, these jerks called in their favors and had Uncle Fister detained and his several kilos confiscated. When we caught up to him we learned that in an elaborate ruse, Uncle Fister played dead so well that the cops promptly took the drugs and left him there with a chalk outline. Antennae were added as is the custom for depicting aliens whether they be from the Emerald Isles or Roswell.
Since we caught Fister we heckled him and then vowed to make him drink down downs as punishment. Having been defloured by the police he was a bit tender and we let him go with a slight chiding rather that the usual abuse.
We rounded up whatever chalk we had on hand and gave it to Fister. We then taught the virgins some songs and regaled them of times and ways which we had been deflowered [thankfully no one by their uncle and only one person my a cop]. "And that's the second time I got crabs..." -Baa Ram Him
The previously well planned trail now descended into chaos and where once there had been clear arrows now Fister was leaving faint indecipherable lines like an arthritic toddler.
We went from the close-knit albeit suspicious neighborhood of South Philly into the jungles of FDR Park. Thankfully Fister had prelaid this part of the trail so that we didn't get lost and succumb to the local fauna.
It's rumored that William Penn, drunk on power and ergot wine would roam these woods nude and do unspeakable acts with the local wild life. When he tired of siring monsters like the Jersey Devil he moved on the greater challenges and forced himself on hand puppets, creating new life forms. Like the Island of Dr Moreau, the more symmetrical and intelligent offspring were given gainful employment entertaining small children and came to be known as the Muppets. The more misshapen souls were left to roam the wilds of the park... or become sports mascots. The Philly Phanatic is said to be one such creature. . It cannot speak with words like some of its brethren, but on moon lit nights in FDR Park the anguished howls of the Phanatic can be heard. It calls out to its father who died centuries ago and cursed it to walk the earth for eternity.
The trail weaved through the woods on well worn trails and after that went deeper still into areas of the park which had long since been abandoned by humanity and had been reclaimed by nature. The beer near was in one such section and while the hashers drank their drinks and sang their songs, the local mosquitoes rejoiced at their good fortune and feasted on these beer soaked halfminds. [Sidenote: Future trails through here should definitely take with them bug spray and flashlights]
Jug Stain to Shop N Fuck, "The hole was too wet" referring to an rubber orifice [car tire] Shop decided to use as a seat at the Beer Near."
After having drank a bunch of the beer the mosquitoes got to be too much and the pack took off. As there were a few hashers running behind, a small group stayed behind and left behind a trail of beers like Hansel and Gretel.
After making it out of the woods, the trail looped around the park and took the pack by the Lincoln Financial Field where SuperBowl heroes came together to eventually crush the New England Patriots, and where stadium heroes taught an imposter to not masquerade as Santa Claus unless he wanted a D battery on his snout. I guess Fake Santa had "headwound" on his Xmas list.
First in Groundhog Lay
Last in Rubber Ripper [I call bullshit, this front running bastard was probably just the first in for a trail that would be starting in the future].
After that it was a short jaunt to the Philadium. Beers was poured and songs were sung.
Randoms shouts to the hare:
"Where were the marks, you could have pissed an arrow or two!"
Cuff Me the Vampire Player accused Uncle Fister of trying to provide a human sacrifice to the mosquitoes.