The weather favored the BFM with a balmy 50 degree day on an otherwise cold, wet, and miserable February. We started the evening earlier than most with a meeting of the mismanagement minds in the back of the BFM favorite, Cavanaugh’s Rittenhouse Square. Young professionals lined all the tables eyeing us with great trepidation and secret desire. We sat in the back discussing the many great things yet to cum this year. Talks of trails without dresses, campouts, cumming of age dances, city wide competitive goblets, and mile marker events. Our great leader’s ideas for this year poured out and the spark of renewed energy and life was fanned into the operate. New ideas related to communications and wares were inspired and it was in this humble raconteur’s opinion that the meeting signaled the beginning of what will sure become the greatest year of hashing in BFM history. Those witnessing these ideas included:
Groundhog Lay (Grande Master)
Cuff Me The Vampire Slayer (Hare Raiser)
Me Shrub You Long Time (Religious Advisor)
Sphincter Grease (Haberdasher)
Not In My Hair (Webmeister)
Roller Daddy (Communications Czar)
ASSassination (Master Beader)
Statutory Consent (Hash Flash)
Jewels of duh Nile (On-Sec)
Knights of the Pound Table (On-Sec)
Shop & Fuck (On-Sec)
Special Guest Appearance: Spare My Finger (Consultant and Guide)
But soon enough in came the hares for the evening:
Sex Toys For Tots
Music To My Tears
And they were soon right back out the door doing their hashy thing. With the hares gone the rest of the pack started making their way to the back room of Cav’s, including:
Stolen Balls (transplant from Stockholm)
Silence of the Goats
Just Tyler (Virgin)
Blackout Or Back Out
Just Chris (BFM Virgin)
Before we even made it out the door the night was shaping up to be rare. Off in one corner Assass was hemming the length of Goats’ scrubs using a stapler so that she could do trail, which was pointless because who needs pants to do trail, and soon they were discarded revealing goats eating her own socks. That isn’t normal, right? Well how about Bell actually reflecting on so called wisdom dispensed to the Son of Tacos in the form of this advice from Sphincter; “If you like a girl you go right up to her and sniff her.” Definitely not normal. Then there was Jewel and Just Tyler pondering which vodka makes sense to consume prior to a trail…and then many more came forward and tested their theories. After that our GM Groundhog’s food came out at 7:59pm just as our RA Shrub yelled out, “Chalk Talk!” There was no way he was getting out there in time.
I rolled down with pen and paper in hand to partake in our opening ceremonies. About half the pack was standing around when our RA decided, “Fuck’em…let’s get started.” And started he did. We were introduced to our virgin Tyler who some rando on Meet Up made cum and then Just Chris who wasn’t exactly new to hashing but was new to the BFM and it was Blackout who made him cum…and yet 3 Balls didn’t lose his shit that this handsome young stud was made to cum by 3 Balls’ precious little girl. We were all stunned. So stunned that Groundhog was shivering…or maybe it was the cold chill creeping in that was causing that on top of the fact that Groundhog was in shorts, a T, and no hat…WAIT…how the hell did he get to chalk talk so fast after only receiving his food minutes ago? Our RA Shrub moved chalk talk along and mused upon the echo created by the parking lot behind him and I missed out on the attention the RA gets so I decided to create an echo of my own. And I am so grateful that I did because it caught the attention of two BFM favorites who happened to be passing by:
So the pack wrapped up chalk talk and headed off east down Sansom St. while I and a few other seasoned BFM’ers hung back and caught up with the GG couple. While we were doing that we were blessed with a late arriving visitor:
Sphincter Shy (EDW H3….WHAT WHAT WHAT??? Another Sphincter?)
We sent the shy Sphincter (cause lord knows that our Sphincter isn’t shy AT ALL) on his way and got back to the important catching up we were doing. Why pray tell were the cute and cuddly GG’s not on trail with us considering we were in their neighborhood? Oh, because it was the annual Frazier appreciation night and there was to be a Frazier marathon back at the GG abode since it is now on Netflix…there is so much to be dissected in this statement…but there is a lot to get to so I will let this be on you the reader to stay up wandering about in the wee hours of the night.
So off Groundhog Lay, AssAss, and I went to go see if we could catch up. The new and former GM’s along with the long standing Hash Horn and Master Beader chasing after the GM from two years ago. What could go wrong? Well, how about after getting to the first check on 20th St. THE PACK LAID A TRUE MARK RIGHT NEXT TO THE FIRST CHECK LEADING FUTHER EAST WHEN THE TRAIL ACTUALLY WENT NORTH! Oh, there was a true put down indicating to go north, but it was very small and on the opposite corner about 15 feet into the block…THANKS GUYS! So after we ran all the way down to 17th before deciding to go recheck the original check we found our way back on trail going north to an alley that lead us east to 19th that lead us north to Chestnut that sent us west to the steps leading down to the Schuylkill River Trail which lead us south along the river to the BEER NEAR!
We gathered and partook in the frosty brew. Groundhog, AssAss and I arrived like rock stars singing American Pie but were too late for the group picture but had more than enough time to down a BEER (Modelo and PBR). What also happened at the BEER NEAR? I am happy you asked. First of all we ran into:
Dancing Fool (obviously…because he is always on every trail everywhere cleaning up all the things)
Bell checked in with the lesser half…Taco: “OK?” Bell:
So with all that the hares were back off on trail. Sex Toys For Tots leading the way and Music To My Tears right behind…with a shit ton of flour all over her ass. I know that this is only her second trail, but Sex Toys needs to do a better job of imparting knowledge of how to lay marks. But soon we were ourselves back on out after them going south on the trail to the steps up to Walnut (after first going up and down them several times until we figured out what was going on). Next we went west on Walnut to 30th St. and then down the ramp south into Penn’s practice fields towards Franklin field. We wandered around in that area until we eventually found a path through to a road that paralleled 76S…It was during this adventure that 3 Balls popped out of nowhere and scared the holy hell out of me. Seriously, that ageless giant of a man moves like a panther.
I was in the back of the pack at this point as my note taking slowed me way down and relegated me to the role of sweeper. When I finally caught up to the pack it was because out mighty GM of yesteryear and the spritely Music were there. My initial thoughts were that we had another BEER NEAR, but NOOOOOOOO….THEY GOT CAUGHT PANTSED. WTF?!?!?! Two of the sexiest hares we have ever had got pantsed and I missed it. FML. Is Sex Toys new? So the trail was turned over to Silence of the Goats and Sphincter Grease. Off they…wait…what’s this now? Not Sphincter Grease? Sphincter Shy? But he’s a visitor from DC? He knows nothing about the layout of Philly? You’re not supposed make visitors pick up trail. Oh, that’s right, we’re the MOB BABY! We do what we want cause that’s how we roll in the city of brotherly love and sisterly affection…BOOM!
So off they went while we sang some verses of El Camino. Once the singing was done we followed the trail south out of the Penn campus area onto University Ave. At this point we must have been about five miles into trail and things were getting desperate and you could tell because Stolen Balls pared off and peed into the only bush in West Philly. We followed University Ave around to Civic Center B Ave (wtf with the names Penn?…showing yourselves to be the third tier Ivy League School that you are? You can’t rest on “at least we aren’t Brown” forever) which lead us through Penn Hospital and then east past Franklin Field and over the South St Bridge where 3 Balls lead us in a song check at 27th St. It is at this point that Sex toys went north while the rest of the pack followed trail east, and Sex Toys was never heard from again as he wound up bailing on the trail that he started off haring. Is that a thing? Has that ever happened before? I mean I get that there are no rules in hashing but there has to be line drawn somewhere? What’s next? Cats and dogs living together?
So we continued east on South to 22nd and then north to Addison where we went east to Van Pelt where we went north to Pine and then went east to 19th and then north through Rittenhouse Square and ON-IN. It was on this last leg that it was noted that Sphincter Grease’s pants are a good two inches too short…and this is the man who will be in charge of our BFM clothing for the next year. Eventually we all gathered in the bar except for Sex Toys who was still missing. So we waited…and waited…and waited…until finally Shrub was like once again, fuck’em, and he began circle, which Sex Toys jumped in on just in time for the:
HARES: Music To My Tear (first half), Silence of the Goats (second half), Sphincter Shy (second half) and Sex Toys For Tots (first half but second half of the song as he was out moving his car, just narrowly avoiding getting towed due to construction that was going on…EVERYWHERE IN THE CITY)…S-H-I…T-T-Y…T-R-A-I-L!
FILI: Groundhog Lay (remember the guy who was eating one minute before trail started…yeah he was first in) and Stolen Balls (pee breaks get you last in)…HE’S THE MEANEST…HE SUCKS THE HORSE’S PENIS…
VIRGINS: Just TYLER and Just Chris…WE GOT VIRGINS…WE GOT VIRGINS…
ZIGGY ZAGGY: Shrub for fucking up and not singing a virgin song at first.
CUMS LATELY: Taco Bell, Silence of the Goats, Blackout Or Back Out, Roller Daddy, Stolen Balls, 3 Balls, Jewel of duh Nile, Knights of the Pound Table…HASHERS…MEET THE HASHERS…
VISITORS: Sphincter Shy from EDW H3 shared with us a body part of lengthy proportions (once again our brand new RA forgot to sing a song…but let’s keep the party moving)
Round 1: Groundhog to Hares for WTF happened? AssAss to all the lazy hashers sitting in chairs. Sphincter Grease to Shrub for smelling something (not sure what this was but I guess since he smelt it he dealt it)…
We now interrupt this trash to report on the interruption of the circle as four people we didn’t know came storming in with very confused looks on their faces which was followed up by an equally confused and then very concerned 60k9 all dressed in work attire yelling at his four co-workers (who all happen to report to him) to get out of the room and not to look back…but we weren’t having it…and so another round of virgins were had…
MORE VIRGINS: Just Brent, Just Derrick, Just Daniel, and Just Alex all of which were mistakenly made cum by 60k9…WE GOT MORE VIRGINS…WE GOT MORE VIRGINS…
Round 1 (continued): Shop to Shrub for recycling the virgin song. Music To My Tears to Statutory Consent for burning out the light at the BEER NEAR with her intense grinding. AssAss to everyone that wasn’t wearing the lovely necklaces she made for everyone…THEY OUGHT TO BE PUBLICLY PISSED ON…
Round 2: Shop to Music for having more chalk on her ass than on the trail. Cuff Me The Vampire Player to 3 Balls for lying about his age and telling her that he was 80 and she believed him because he is usually so very trustworthy. Groundhog to Statutory for trying to hide on the floor after knocking over her BEER instead of just stepping and inch to the right and blending in with the big red sign behind her. And then I think I missed an accusation but the result was ALL SPHINCTER’S DRINK. Shop to AssAss for hair shaming me and bringing up that I probably have a hairy dick because I am Mediterranean…and I do. MY ONE SKIN HANGS DOWN TO MY TWO SKIN…
Round 3 (Final Round): Shop to Shrub for something I can’t remember and didn’t write down cause I was making the accusation but let’s just assume it was hysterical and witty because everything I say is comedic gold. Shrub to Statutory for continuing to grind on the pole until she got it to be turned on again. Cuff Me to Statutory and Roadside ASSistance for Roadside cumming to Statutory’s ASSistance after she smashed her phone and he lent her his to take hash flash with. Knights of the Pound Table to Cuff Me for smoking while running and defeating the whole purpose. AssAss to all the GM’s that quit or got lost on trail which included Shop, Groundhog, and definitely Sex Toys. Shop to Stolen for doing art on rocks that did not include COCKS AND BALLS!. Shrub to Just Tyler for drawing the entire Smurf village on the rocks. AssAss to 60k9 for something something something…but it involved him probably losing his job after tonight. Shop to BOBO for not making us aware that Blackout Or Back Out make for the initials BOBO and could have made my life easier and not have kept fucking up her name all of last year. Groundhog to the 2nd half hares for musical notes that only vaguely resembled musical notes. Shop to 60k9 for bringing smart people to the hash that spout off big words which I had to look up in the dictionary when I got home. Shop to 3 Balls for not giving Just Chris the same hard time he gave all of us for hitting on his daughter…and WHEN IT’S INCEST TIME IN TEXAS…
Please look to the BFM website and Facebook page to review 60k9’s resume posting as he could use a job.
Full Moon H3 will be in this same bar tomorrow (February 22nd) and afterwards they will be going to a standup comedy show nearby.
The BFM is at O’Neal’s off of 3rd and South next Thursday, February 28th.
The Gritty Run is March 23rd which will be replacing the Philly Green Dress Run. It is only $25 and the first 15 people to sign up will get their hash cash comped for the BFM “Not a Green Dress” run on March 21st at Bonner’s where if you do come in a green dress you will be given a surprise giveaway and then on March 22nd it will be a Full Moon Hash pub crawl and on Sunday March 24th the Liberty Bell Hash will be doing a fat boy brunch.
And with that Shrub deemed circle closed.
OVERHEARD OR WITNESSED:
Music: “Want to see my eighth tentacle?”
Roadside: “That would be a good one.”
60k0: “Mistakes were made tonight.”
Just Tyler: Stripped down to the waist and changed into another shirt and then proceeded to eat everyone’s left overs in a crazy feat of eating skill thus sealing that he is one of us.
Statutory: “What did the door do to you?”
Roller Daddy: “It wouldn’t let me out!”
Groundhog: “I’ve sung so may Beastie Boy songs at Freddy’s.”
Sphincter Grease: “We are learning so much about drunk you tonight.”
Random Co-Worker: “60k9 is much better drunk than sober.”
Statutory: “Did we run a trail tonight?”
Statutory (she was in rare form): “Well did it get me off?” (this was referring to the light pole she violated early in the evening).
60k9 (who was also in rare form): “I have so many problems tomorrow, but that isn’t my problem right now.”
And with that, I give you all great big mind hugs because everything above was all a figment of my drunken imagination except for one truth. I leave that for you to figure out.
Cuff Me the Vampire Player
Cause for Blindness
Baa Ram Him
Music to My Tears
Jewels of Duh Nile
Everything Butt Sex
Me Shrub You Long Time
Tits of Steel
Not In My Hair
Knights of the Poundtable (me!)
Pounded in the Can
Arriving 1 minute past 8:00, fashionably late, I quickly gave out hugs and whipped out my Handy Dandy Notebook (where’s my red chair?). As a first time on-sec, it was a joy to be a creep and to have an excuse to be as such...and to scribble down the debauchery that ensues while we're running with medicinal poison running through our veins :D
Everything Butt Sex led a rusty chalk talk after a vacation in the nethers of an unknown land overseas. No virgins.. however, one notorious visitor decided to grace us with his presence.. the one and only Baa Ram Him, who was quickly ejected from circle NOT because he's an OG, but probably because Butt Sex was just too flustered by his grace and beauty.
We descended into the Southern Lands of Philly..into the cold night with nothing but our (dim)wits and a few headlamps. Check after check and maybe a song check, we turned onto a very dark bike trail where people go to get dead or have a good time. Luckily we were there for the latter. Groundhog, as our noble GM, tried to guide us all with his mighty beacons of light donning not one, but TWO headlamps. Rather than guide us, he triggered epilepsy and blinded us all. Trying to put Cause out of business? We all know that's impossible.
We quickly arrived at the BN and were met by the dynamic duo:
RUBBER RIPPER and POUNDED IN THE CAN (yaaaay for a fellow Pound)
We downed delicious beer in the frigid cold. AssAss transformed into a red-eyed cyclops in the night with the only headlamp remaining on. Music had maybe one too many beers and began complimenting what seemed to be an ordinary trashcan. Cause revealed to us one of her many hidden fetishes: she likes da armpits.. the sweatier the better. Keep your deodorant close.. or don’t ;). After stargazing at a clear night sky, we decided to head out. But first, an oreo sandwich cuddle puddle to soften our diamondesque nips.
The green band was flying left and right.. no one could be trusted. Just Eliza performed some impressive matrix to avoid the curse that is the green band. She asked a billion questions about the ways of our shenanigans.. I’m slightly convinced she’s a secret agent spy.
We arrived at the SN at a park somewhere in South Philly. Jefferson Square? Dickinson Square? Hell if I can remember (I’m also terrible with directions). We enjoyed a warm, delicious, yet mysterious brown cocktail that was deemed to be diarrhea that reminded us of Christmas. Because who isn’t reminded of Christmas while sipping on diarrhea? Anywho… Onnnn Onnnnn
Jewels was put in charge of sweeping while simultaneously getting banded..he was determined for revenge. A couple checks and a true trail later, we were ON-IN back to our sanctuary. Songs were sung and accusations flew in circle. Baa Ram Him, called into circle for visiting, paraded around circle with his snake and buns in tow. My notes were illegible after that because I was so gobsmacked.
After 53 weeks of this nonsense I was happy to call it quits and turn the reigns over to some other dumb asshole that didn’t realize what they were getting themselves into. That’s what I thought before the night began. Little did I know that by the time the night was over I would be writing about this nonsense for another 52 weeks. FML (Fish Monkeys Llamas).
So the night began with everything being easy peasy. The AGM was setup to be at Bonnor’s, a bar we know and love and loves us and knows how to provide us everything we need and the space to do it in. We had 45 people setup to go for the night and a plan in place that was ready to be executed on that completely fail proof. I got to the bar at 7:00pm and was greeted by:
Me Shrub You Long Time
These eager three were already sling drinks back and ready to go. The owner came out, collected his check from our ever trustworthy Hash Cash, went over the timing of events along with the layout of the buffet and beers on tap and all that was left to do was to wait for the arrival of:
Ass Ass In Nation
Blew Men In Groups
Cause for Blindness
Cuff Me the Vampire Player
Hold the Sausage
Holding It For Daddy
Jewels of duh Nile
May I Cum On Ya
Music to my Tears
Not in my Hair
Other People's Pussy
Parks and Masterbation
Pounded In The Can
Semen On The Poopdeck
Sex Toys for Tots
Shop & Fuck
Side Bitch (Visitor – DCRW)
Silence of the Goats
Spare My Finger
Taco? I Barely Know Her
Tits of Steel
What What (mud in the butt)
Where’s my D?
I went out and laid the chalk talk marks in the school yard across the street so that we would be wandering around in traffic and I left marks that were all kinds of silly so that we could have the hares, Pounded in the Can and Jewel of duh Nile, be able to be a part of the start of circle and then have enough time to go out a lay trail live while we went over the marks in painstaking detail. The trail was to be a basic square…north to Chestnut Street…leave a song check…West to 30th Street…leave a song check…south to Cira Green and set the BEER near. Me Shrub You Long Time and Groundhog Lay were to drive Shrub’s truck with the BEER and meet the hares at Cira Green for the BEER near. Simple plan.
We welcomed Side Bitch, a visitor from DCRW to our trail and seeing as the rest of the pack was BFM/Philly based, catered to instructing her of the marks in the only way we know how…which involved a lot of yelling, posturing, piling of people in the middle of the marks and rolling around in them, and making sure we all talked at the same time so that she was completely clear exactly what we were doing. With that out of the way, off the pack went in true slobbering gaiety, attempting to go over the school wall and out into the streets looking for trail. And of course trail wouldn't be complete without a certain someone showing up out of nowhere to keep our city tidy:
Remember the simple plan I spoke about earlier…well…yeah…let’s just forget that I mentioned that. The pack headed north to Chestnut and instead of figuring out the very easy marks laid going west, all ran north ignoring the check that was laid and in true lemming style just kept on running. It was the walkers that figured out that marks went west proving that slow and steady wins the race. Eventually the pack turned around and found their way to the cattle shoot through construction on the bridge and headed towards 30th Street. While I was on my way to the eventual song check they were all waiting at, I got a text from the hares. “We’re going up top to the green, right?”…”Yes. BEER is on its way…they are parking in the parking lot underground.”…”Should we send people up the elevator with marks?”…
At this point I should let you know that I have never been to Cira Green. When I looked it up and saw pictures of it, it looked like an outdoor green park. So what the fuck were they talking about taking an elevator up to it? I called them and it was quickly determined that neither I nor the hares had ever actually been to Cira Green before. No problem, I would call Groundhog Lay and he would figure it out as he was in the car with Shrub and the BEER and Cira Green was his suggestion. I call him and he answers, “What do you want, we are at the song check?”…”What do you mean you are at the song check? Did you bring the BEER to the song check?”…”No, I am not with the BEER. Shrub has the BEER. I am on trail.” …”What do you mean you are on trail? The hares can’t find the BEER as they’ve never been to Cira Green before.”…”Call Shrub then.”…”I don’t have Shrub’s number.”…”Well neither do I.” BEST THOUGHT OUT AGM TRAIL EVER!
So Groundhog and I ran around each of the parking lot levels looking for Shrub while the Hares took everyone up to the roof top park where Shrub was waiting for them and eventually Groundhog and I found our way there too where everyone else was like, “What do you mean you couldn’t find the BEER near, it was up here the whole time.” Fish Monkey Llamas.
But when we got there and were all heated up from the run up the stairs we were treated to an amazing view of the city on a slightly foggy night that made the city glow as if to say it loved us and wanted to treat us all to how beautiful this city can be when hidden behind a hazy mist. So we laughed, we drank, we reminisced, and we took pictures before heading back to the bar.
I want to remind you that at this point I had no knowledge that I was going to be burdened with the task of being an On-Sec this year and so I did not have a notebook and pen on me so all of this is from memory. Otherwise I would have taken note of all the amazingly funny and disturbing things that were said on trail. I do want to make mention of one particularly fun and enlightening incident that happened. Taco, I Barely Know Her walked to the BEER near and arrived about eight seconds after we started taking pictures and wasn’t able to get across the field in time to make the picture. When he let me know he wasn’t in the picture I said, “No problem, I will just call everybody back so that you can be in the picture too, princess. God forbid we not include you in the picture.” He responded with a lot of don’t you dares and expletives which would not have phased me a bit until he started chasing me…and this is when I learned to not judge the speed of the man by his size…holy shit that boy can run. I managed to elude him only because I cried like a little baby, promising I would make everyone retake the picture.
Anyway, we headed back to the bar…which the hares decided to ignore the plan of simple and instead took the walkway down to the river trail which ended up forcing us back up onto Chestnut Street and back tracking the first part of trail. I swear we have done this for nearly 15 years now and yet I am never surprised at how impossible even a perfectly square trail can be for us to execute. I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, it was the best trail I have ever been on because I absolutely love and adore everyone that that laid it, followed it, and partied before, on, and after it. One of my favorite hashing nights ever.
When we got back to the bar there was food, including a salsa dip complete with Cheese and Cool Ranch Dorito’s snack packs for dipping with…which even I wasn’t expecting but was pretty on par for the BFM (NOTE: Cool Ranch Dorito’s and Salsa are delicious). We as a team worked together to run pitchers back and forth to keep the pack hydrated and we managed to get circle started at 9:30pm, a promise I had made as part of my election campaign…which I managed to finally come through with on my last night as GM and RA.
Circle acknowledged the hares Pounded in the Can, Jewels of duh Nile, and Me Shrub You Long Time as well as the 50 different hares we had over the past year including:
Tits of Steel 5
Jug Stain 5
Groundhog Lay 4
Statutory Consent 3
Ass Ass In Nation 3
Me Shrub You Long Time 3
Roller Daddy 3
Sex Toys for Tots 2
Uncle Fister 2
Silence of the Goats 2
May I Cum On Ya 2
Not In My Hair 2
Pounded in the Can 2
Gay Matthew's Lamb 2
Slothy Seconds 2
Strawberry Shartcake 2
Cuff Me the Vampire Player 2
Three Balls 2
Under the Siege 2
Baa Ram Him 2
He's A Lesbian 1
Mainline Bukkake 1
Music To My Tears 1
Sphincter Grease 1
Alaskan Pipeline 1
Fort Dix-A-Lot 1
Spare My Finger 1
Knights of the Pound Table 1
Taco I Barely Know Her 1
Down Down Brown Town 1
Just Ian 1
Roadside ASSistance 1
PaBlow PicAssHo 1
Back Door Back Out 1
Just Colby 1
Revenge Porn 1
Rubber Ripper 1
Jewel of Duh Nile 1
Where's My D 1
Everything Butt Sex 1
Judge Doody 1
Sideshow Bob Job 1
Casting Couch 1
We acknowledged the first in and last in, the auto-hashers, our visitor Side Bitch from DCRW who got out of our circle by putting a little skin in the game, our cums lately’s and those who were virgins to our AGM. We also acknowledged our newly named BFM hashers this year including:
Me Shrub You Long Time
Cuff Me the Vampire Player
Blue Men In Groups
Knights of the Pound Table
Music To My Tears
Definitely Wasn't Two Dudes
As well as our renamed hashers:
Where's My D to Sex Playground (even if she stubbornly refuses to acknowledge it)
Roller Girl to Daddy May I Pun (even though she just combined the two into Roller Daddy)
And finally Condom Fuck Sister to Strippapotomus (which I stand by as my single greatest act as GM this year)
We also took a moment to raise our voices and our glasses to our friends of the BFM who we lost on trail and who hopefully are finding all of the shiggy and BEER and laughter they could want even if we would want to have them here with us for at least one more trail:
Bend Overture (Pittsburgh Hash House Harriers)
Spare Ribs (Philadelphia Hash House Harriers)
Wreath Around (Chicago Hash House Harriers and DCRW)
Ghetto Inferno (Lehigh Valley Hash House Harriers)
And we acknowledged this year’s mismanagement and the amazingly adequate job they did which included:
60k9, Assassination, Baa Ram Him, Cuff Me The Vampire Slayer, Everything Buttsex, Groundhog Lay, Jewel of dug Nile, May I Cum On Ya, Me Shrub You Long Time, Pounded In The Can, Tits of Steel, and a special mention to Slothy Seconds.
Eventually the shit stain of a GM and attention whore of an RA gave up the stage and 60k9 and Assassination took over the nights festivities to reveal the new mismanagement for 2019.
Hash Cash – Sexy 60k9
Masterbeader – Sexy Assassination
Haberdasher – Sphincter Grease
Hash Flash – Statutory Consent
On-Secs – Jewel of duh Nile, Knights of the Pound Table, May I Cum On Ya, Shop & Fuck, Slothy Seconds, Taco, I Barely Know Her
Hare Raiser – Cuff Me The Vampire Player
Religious Advisors – Everything Buttsex and Me Shrub You Long Time
Grand Master – Groundhog Lay
And with that, Shrub took over the night’s festivities as Everything Buttsex was on a plane to Thailand to spread the disease that is the BFM internationally. There were many accusations, there was a side side for Just Ashley, and there was a beading as Music To My Tears got laid by Blew Men In Groups. All of this was followed by much dancing and singing and drinking and merry making and laughter and love. I couldn’t have been prouder or happier to see so much joy and love for friends, family, and life in one room at one moment in time. And as I gave my parting hugs and head for the door, all I could think to myself is, “Not my problem anymore.”
Shop & Fuck
I have at one point or another this year been your GM, RA, Hare Raiser, Hash Cash, Hash Flash, and Habidasher...so might as well dip my toes into the On-Sect too and make my bid for your vote for 2019.
So there I was, parked on Beach Street, or in front of Penn Treaty Park, watching all the tweekers going in and out of the park getting their fix on, cold be damned. I sat there waiting for Just Andrew to arrive as I was to accompany him on his virgin haring trail and I thought to myself, "What kind of degenerates are so desperate to get their fix on that they would come out here in 15 degree weather?" So Just Andrew arrived with beer in tow and I got out of my car wearing my hippo (most dangerous and deadly animal on land and fresh water) onsie and we darted off to Druid's about a mile away. With our lungs freezing we burst into the bar to be greeted by:
Knights of the a Pound Table
Not In My Hair
Seaman on the Poop Deck
and Magically Delicious (WHO WAS ALSO IN A HIPPO ONSIE...THE MOST DANGEROUS AND DEADLY ANIMAL ON LAND AND FRESH WATER)
The pack was small, but they were determined to brave the cold as they held out battle certs like, "It's only going to be one block, right?" This is the hash, what do you think will happen. But considering that Just Andrew had already established that the BEER near would be about a mile away, and the fact that it was already 8:02pm when we rolled into the bar and chalk talk marks still hadn't been laid yet, it was already our intention to make trail as simple as possible. So out the door we went and I helped Just Andrew to put down for chalk talk so that next time he hared he would be equipped with all the necessary tools...WE NEED TO GROOM THE FUTURE HARES, PEOPLE! A well informed hare is a happy hare and a happy hare lays a fun trail.
Once chalk talk laid we started to head out but were greeted by two of the sexiest warm bodies we could possibly want to encounter after standing on the cold street for five minutes:
Music To My Tears (MT2)
So we warmed up with some wonderful hugs and then sent them into the bar and while we scampered off to lay trail. Did i mention that it was like stupid cold out? Again, for the record, I wanted to just head on what would be essentially a bee line to the cars and then sit in the cars and warm up and wait for the pack to arrive. It was a good plan. It was a warm plan. It was a plan I could very happily rest my head in a warm bed with later that night and not lose an ounce of sleep. Just Andrew on the other hand was easily distracted by the lights and glam of Philly's hottest neighborhood of NOLIBS. So we laid check after check and wandered around after lights and down alleys and past music venues until we found ourselves in Fishtown and were already well above the one mile back to the car. Again, I blame Just Andrew for all of this. The sicko seemed to get invigorated by the cold. He is a sadist I tell you. As we kept going further west, away from the BEER in the cars over by Penn Treaty Park, I tried to remind Just Andrew that for every mile we lay, the pack is doing 1.2 miles of trail having to search up and down streets for marks. So Just Andrew begrudgingly agreed to head back to the cars and wait for the pack to arrive.
So we turned on the cars and waited...and waited...and waited. This is something I want to point out to all of you potential hares. All you really need is about a five minute head start ahead of the pack to lay trail. Much of the trail that Just Andrew and I layed that night was walked. That is because the pack also has to go over the chalk talk marks and they have to actually solve the checks and sing the song checks. So if you leave out too early you will be waiting at the BEER near forever for the pack to arrive. But fuck it, what did I care? We were in a warm car chit chatting and drinking BEER. The pack could freeze for all I cared (oh the pleasures of being the hares).
So Just Andrew and I mused over live while we waited and watched the crackcraniums (CRANIUMS? WHO SAID CRANIUMS?) go in and out of the frigid park until one of those degenerates looked oddly familiar. It was:
He finally arrived from another trip to some other place where he was again spreading his legend of being amazing for all those to enjoy. The rest of the pack followed him into the park, ignoring Just Andrew and I as we honked the horn and blinked the lights, until we decided those assholes won't get the hint until we get out of the warm car and brave the sub arctic temperatures and yelled, "Hey assholes, the BEER is over here!" So eventually they wandered their way over and we all partook of the frosty brew out of the back of Just Andrew's minivan. It was noted that the BEER which was in a cooler all day in the cold in the back of the car was actually warm. I guess the cooler had prevented the cold temperatures to penetrate through to the cans. But that was OK, because about five minutes later the BEERs in our hands actually got colder as we drank them. SCIENCE! So we had some conversations about how at least we weren't in Milwaukee and some other really inappropriate stuff which eventually ended up in people rubbing up and down on each other "to keep warm" until it was finally decided that we were driving everyone back to the bar because fuck this cold in its eye hole. Despite having only 12 people to shuttle in the car we drove off thumbing our nose at common hash ettiquette which requires at least 14 people to be wedged into a car before leaving.
Hare: Shop N Fuck
Pack: Not In My Hair (Guest RA), Tits Of Steel, Statutory Consent, 60K9, Rear Ender, Sphincter Grease, Magically Delicious, Me Shrub You Long Time, Strawberry Shartcake, Slothy Seconds, and Groundhog Lay.
Volunteer hares had dwindled in the winter cold and as the pack gathered they came to the realization that one of us would have to lay trail. Fortunately Shop’s luck is as good as his looks and he drew the honor of setting our marks. We gave him a head start and reviewed the chalk talk of possibilities. Honestly there were some marks we didn’t understand (was that a Jesus fish or a salmon check), but as we were all veteran hashers, off we went once ore into the breach. ON-ON.
The night gave us a small pack and with a small pack comes the chance for intimate conversation. At one check, Slothy wanted to discover just how much mightier the pen is. Later a beautiful song check gave us the chance to sing of Father Abraham, Magically molested a fountain, and Not In My Hair solved trail through Dexter-like skills of flour spatter analysis. ON-ON
We found a warm and welcoming BN at the Cherry Street Tavern where Rear Ender told tales of the west and the tumbling “Tumble-weave” which can be found rolling through downtown Dallas. Outside the BN we reinvigorated our winter hashing spirit as Magically led us through a chicken power team warm up. Back on trail the pack dodged an old man wildly swinging a tennis racket and discussed the upcoming AGM and Mismanagement past. Apparently in the eyes of Slothy “Sex Toys was perfection. He came every week!” ON-IN
During circle we were rejoined by Groundhog Lay who had autohashed and tempted 60K9 with his thick juicy bone. We also discovered that in 2019, if you’re not doing butt-stuff, you’re not straight.
Hares: 3 Balls and Black Out or Back Out
Pack: Shop N Fuck, 60 K9, Parrot Head, Me Shrub You Long Time, Sphincter Grease, Other People’s Pussy, Sex Toys For Tots, Just Caroline, Cuff Me the Vampire Player, Sideshow Bobjob, Foofer Duper (Gainesville H3), and Strawberry Shartcake
Tattooed Mom is laid back bar on South Street with a great beer selection, wacky wall decorations and even wackier seating options (Bumper Cars!). Needless to say, it is perfect for the hash. The kennel was enjoying pre-lube and dreading the cold night with its probable 10 mile trail given the nature of the hares. The looming trail notwithstanding, the merry nature of the bar was rubbing off on the pack as Shop chased Cuff Me around the room like a Benny Hill episode while Sphincter Grease tried to recruit three muggles to join our fun. We braved the freezing wind to find chalk talk just past what seemed to be a homeless bookstore (yay capitalism!), met our visitor, and set off on trail. ON-ON.
The trail was an immediate shit show and got off to a slow start. Thankfully it was pre-laid and 3 Balls stayed with us to “sweep” for stragglers. We managed to find enough marks to justify following and began solving the puzzle laid haphazardly before us. At one point a back check counted back to the previous check. The pack worked their way through Washington Square, solved numerous checks along the way, and eventually headed along Market Street towards City Hall. En route we encountered a canine belligerent Eagles fan (unlike most belligerent Eagles fans) who sported the number 41 jersey and was not happy to see us. Just as unwelcoming as the dog was City Hall, through which trail had been laid during operating hours but was now closed due to either the late time or the government shutdown. Shartcake produced some rope (‘cause Charlie Bronson always ends up using it) and lobbied for us to scale the walls; however, the raceists of the pack felt it more prudent to take the long way round. ON-ON.
Finding trail on the other side of local government, we were back on as OPP chased a mouse and we sang about dead whores. There were many land marks and flash opportunities around this part of the city. Shop took one such narcissistic stop for a LOVE selfie. The trail headed north and east to Vine St and past a Chinese funeral home which was very fitting as we soon after crossed into Franklin Square while calling “Don’t Get Dead!” Much to the pack’s delight we found a mark that proclaimed “almost BN” and almost being a relative term, 5 blocks later we found the BN. Up, up, and up five flights of stairs to a roof top we were greeted by cold beer, colder night air, a beautiful view, and the warm comradery of the hash. ON-ON.
We were joined after the BN by Silence of the Goats and the trail from that point was pretty much a zig-zag south to the on in. Many of the pack took upon themselves to forego trail completely and beeline back to Tatty Mommy. One exception was the overachieving Just Caroline who searched for marks, solved checks, and eventually found the intended ON-IN.
Circle held songs for the hares, the fast, the slow and the auto hashers as well as the expected accusations. One unexpected accusation came when Shop declared that Just Caroline, had through appropriate hash behavior, earned a new name. Based on her responses to the kennel’s questioning, some suggestions were: What Does the Fuck Say, Tear-llatio, Pole-Hoe, I’m Not Enjoying This, Sad Sack, CumPilation, and Ha Ha Threesome… but to the BFM she will forever be known as Music to My Tears!
Hares: Tits of Steel and Gay Matthews Lamb
Pack: Shop N Fuck, Roller Daddy, Just Ashley (NOSE H3), Knights of the Pound Table, Down Down on the Brown Brown (Reno H3), Cuff Me the Vampire Player, Sphincter Grease, AssAssInNation, Slothy Seconds, Not in My Hair, Cause For Blindness, Strawberry Shartcake, Rear Ender, Condom Fuck Sister, Me Shrub You Long Time, Just Gabrielle, Jewels of Duh Nile, Blew Men in Groups, Just Jordan (Virgin), 60K9, Dancing Fool, and Semen on the Poop Deck
Do you love the holidays? Do you leave your decorations up until the spring? Well, if you can’t let go of the joy and celebration then read on for the holiday trash that didn’t come until after Groundhog Day (much like those who don’t come until after Groundhog Lay).
The pack assembled at McCasker’s Tavern regaled in their holiday fare. There were ugly sweaters, festive onesies and illuminated accoutrements. There was conversation about holiday plans and the length of last year’s holiday trail which almost nobody finished true. We all met Blew Men’s virgin, Just Jordan, and explained the marks expected on trail. ON-ON.
Trail was as shitty as any other and gave the pack many opportunities to enjoy holiday decorations, sing hashy carols, and enjoy the moist weather. Dancing Fool provided an impromptu BN at his parked car much to the delight of the thirsty hounds. Memorable moments were when Down Down tried to return Slothy to a store in the child’s seat of a grocery cart, when inflatable reindeer stables prompted a discussion of possible reindeer stripper names (On Harmony! On Ginger! On Cinnamon! On Krystal!), and when the hares led us down a back alley where we all got wet. Eventually we found SN at a delightful park with even more delightful pudding shots in little plastic cups. They are notable because it gave all the pack ample opportunity for cunnilingus references as the hungry hounds delved tongues into the boozy sweetness. ON-IN.
Circle was as spirited as the pack in their holiday cheer with notable accusations to the puddle splashers for excessive moisture, to Knights of the Pound Table for the ugliest sweater, to the numerous BFM’ers it took to make Just Gabrielle come, and to Just Gabrielle in turn for the longest accusation since Cause For Blindness.
On a chilly December night, the BFM gathered at Fishtown-favorite Starboard Side Tavern to bid a fond farewell to Uncle Fister. A few points about our favorite druncle:
First of all, let’s acknowledge the missed opportunity of not calling this event “The Irish Goodbye.”
Second, let’s consider that Uncle Fister might be the worst Irish Goodbyer in the history of the BFM. How many times have we said farewell to this man? The rumor going around on trail was that he got named at his first alleged send-off event. We just can’t get rid of this guy. He has yet another goodbye hash planned with another kennel next weekend.
Third, let’s note that trail was almost as hareless as the hare was hairless, because Uncle Fister didn’t even show up (with co-hare Fort Dixalot in tow) until ten past 8. He made up for it by not having a beer near, and by not marking his false trails.
Fourth, let’s ponder what color Fister’s hair would be. You probably assumed red. Why???
Fithster, if you are really leaving this time, know that your departure will leave a big bald hole in the BFM. We can’t usually understand what you are saying, but we know you are usually saying something kind. Sure, you’ve gotten kicked out of a bunch of bars and been more of a drunk train-wreck than most people in this group (a high standard!), but in less-intoxicated moments, you’ve also shown the kind of compassion, warmth, and good-heartedness that makes it an honor to know you. May the road rise up to meet you!
Sixth, acknowledge that there were other people at trail, but no one did anything interesting and Shop and Fuck had to make up a bunch of accusations to justify having a circle. For posterity: 3 Balls, Blackout or Backout, Fort Dixalot, Just Max, Knights of the Pound Table, Not in My Hair, Pantyphile, Rear Ended, Rear Engineer, Roadside ASSistance, Shop and Fuck, Slothy Seconds, Uncle Fister, Where’s my D?
Hares: Casting Couch & Jug Stain
Pack: Shop N Fuck
Not In My Hair
Virgin Just Max (Rear Ender made him come)
Where's My D
Uncle Bad Touch
Knights Of The Pound Table
Tits Of Steel
Biff Pow Slap Slap Slap (visitor - Richmond H3)
Me Shrub You Long Time
Under The Siege
Fuzzy Cozmo (visitor - PorME H3)
Plow Me From Behind (visitor - PorME H3)
This BFM trail began as many do with a little confusion, frantic reorganizing, and delicious beer. The original hares from the 'Yunk were planning a Hanukkah themed delight but alas could not make it. Perhaps their candle wouldn't light, perhaps they had better things to do. Fortunately for us with nothing better to do than chase flour and beer, the hares were re-casted jugs-in-time and those naughty elves took us on a mad mad tour of Manayunk.
Not everyone was so keenly aware of the late roster change because Just Ian arrived sporting a festive "Llamakah" holiday sweater which proved to be less warm than he expected on that cold November night. The pack collected in the front bar to enjoy some pre-lubricant of which NIMH was in great need since he has been nearly killed en route by an "impaired" Lyft driver. Keen to "lyft" his spirits, GHL entertained us all with a story of how after-hours gay bars are a great place to go with your guy friends on Valentine's Day. I'm not sure how those are connected but it seemed to perk up NIMH regardless. It was decided that Just Max would pop his cherry as "it" for the slap bracelet game to start and Casting Couch nearly left the flour behind.
We had a special returner that night who apparently owed the BFM some services, so Uncle Bad Touch turned on heel and conducted chalk talk like a matador, but it was to be the pack that would have to avoid the bull. On On!
Trail began with a mad dash up into and through pretzel park, veering left. Because this is a 'Yunk trail, what goes up must come downhill. 60K9 came as fast as always barreling into the first song check of the night where we stimulated some holiday spirit with "Give it a blow". We found ourselves at the bottom, searching marks along the river when trail headed up a few steps back to the streets. These were the first steps of many and not so soon the stairs ended with another song check. This time TOS led us in "My cock is in your mouth tonight". Now atop the hills, the pack moved faster, past private sand volleyball courts and local celebrity musicians, past drunks on the street and cemeteries, though neighborhoods until the hounds found a beautiful mark and called SHOT NEAR!
This turned out to be shot approximately near and we finally found warm solace in a tower of one of the hares. The pack enjoyed heated shelter but sat awkwardly quiet around a square table until a darling little elf girl brought us cups for some high proof peppermint schnapps. Under The Siege was trending the bar and announced there were also pudding shots to be enjoyed. We were safe in the knowledge that Cosby is locked away and couldn't force his own pudding pop on us. With sweet boozy goodness coursing through us, the pack headed back into the cold in search of more trail. On On!
We crossed a small highway and were faced with a choice. Left headed into the woods and right headed somewhere else. Clearly this on sec went left. The wooded trail was bathed in darkness, covered with leaves which hid the ankle-treacherous rocks, and clearly fucking awesome! The awesomeness was short lived and the lefties emerged from the woods near some raceist horses to rejoin the rest of the pack. Marks led us into a neighborhood where we found another song check in front of a beautifully decorated home, so we gave them a chorus of "A soldier". Those sly hares laid us a back check but then led the pack right into our favorite mark. BEER NEAR!
At casa de Casting Couch, the pack came together and celebrated camaraderie with cold beers. This turned out to be a prelude to circle because the hounds were back on trail and quickly On In.
Circle was held in a seemingly abandoned upstairs bar which was perfect for our shenanigans. The hares were honored for their trail, the visitors shared a song or two, and the virgin was deflowered as only the BFM can. The mad elves for this trail took the hounds into cold like the north pole; but ultimately warmed us with miles run, alcohol drank, and the fellowship of the hash. The holiday season for the BFM was brought in with a bang but if you missed it you don't have to miss out. Any Thursday night come cozy up to your favorite half-minds and we will warm you from the inside...with consent. Happy Holiday Hashing!
Ben Franklin Mob
Always runs on Thursdays at 7:30 PM with the pack out at 8 from various Philadelphia locations.