An ode to laziness.
The pack moseyed on into Druid’s Keep, a good ol’ staple, around 7:50-whatever. Cockmaster brought the lovely Just Ashley, so of course all the female members of the hash were super giddy and excited to see this long lost babe. We started talking about Wicked, which the two of them saw the previous weekend (awwwww! Aren’t they precious!?), and somehow that devolved into a conversation about Derek Jeter’s goodie bags. The ones he gives to girls he takes home with him. That are waiting in the limo he sends them home in. That contain Tiffany jewelry and signed Jeter memorabilia (as if having pre-packaged sex goodie bags isn’t narcissistic enough). That many women have received. That apparently some woman received more than once.
Then Urine Luck shows up and crashes the party with a notebook full of math about March Madness. I humor him and pretend to understand what it means, until it’s time for chalk talk.
* Editor’s Note: At the time that this piece went to publication, 5 weeks of procrastination had grown into 10. And one piece of late trash had grown into three. Hence all the backdating.
AND THE HARES: Jug Stain, Taco?, and Fanny Packer
Trail was… uneventful, I’m assuming, since I didn’t write anything about it. I do remember Pissy Elliot jumping into oncoming traffic because she was super excited that a driver was our friend. That would have been hella awkward if he’d hit her.
First Beer Check: Barcade
Pissy Elliot took over for a guest on-sec. Isn’t her arcade machine drawing just lovely?
Second Beer Check: El Bar
Also, El Bar has candy machines. Cryly Cyrus was VERY upset that no one had a quarter for Mike and Ike’s.
VISITOR: Just Gabe from SFO HHH
Here at the BFM, we have a little tradition… Show us your joke!
“What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.”
...think about it for a minute. Yup, the pack was silent for about 4 seconds until that collective groan when everyone finally gets it.
Accusations: Round Numero Uno
- Maneul Fiesta >> Gag: wtf, a poster of the hash as a RESPECTABLE running group? Who’s going to believe that one?
- Chorizo Curtains >> One Inch In: apparently he thinks that being here makes people love him more.
- Dr. Ghilliewhatever >> Cryly Cyrus: you’re only here because… my handwriting looks like “buckyone” but something tells me that’s incorrect
- Silence of the Goats >> Manuel “Free-esta”: Gag is in a diaper in his photo. Where’s your diaper?
- Uncle Fister >> Fanny Packer: not following hares (Wait. I thought Fanny Packer was a hare? Ugh. This is what happens when I wait 5 weeks to write trash.)
- Tits of Steel >> Urine Luck: ALREADY IN CIRCLE! (Wait. What? I didn’t write that down. Who nominated me for this position, anyway?)
- ...something about everyone sucking
Accusations: Round Deux
- One Inch In >> Gag: looks like “Hipster Zombie Michael Jackson” rising from the dead
- Ghilliedude >> Urine Luck: toasters are accessories?
- Jug Stain >> Taco: having to create an “emergency beer near” so he could pee. Acceptable hash behavior?
- Tits >> Urine Luck: ALREADY IN CIRCLE (I got it right this time!)
- Taco >> “Just Uncle Gabe Touch”: he was in DC last week. By “he,” I have no idea if this is referring to Taco or our favorite not virgin Just Uncle Gabe.
Accusations: Round Tree**
**Editor's Note Number Two: True story - As a young child, I really struggled with pronounce the number "3." It would always come out "tree." I distinctly remember the exact moment in my childhood when I first pronounced the number correctly I was sitting in the backseat of my mother’s minivan. It’s stuck in my memory because I was pretty damn proud in that moment, thank you very much.
- Tits >> Urine Luck: race-ist showing up at 7:55 and volunteering to hare
- Chasez >> Gag: “trying to say something intelligent” (Who would ever think of doing that at the hash?)
- Manuel >> Chasez: “Illustrious” ….?
- Tits: Something about beer.
- Urine Luck >> Tits: complaining about a man finishing at the same time as her
- Gag >> Cockmaster: allegiance to another running club
- One Inch >> Uncle: angry about… something having to do with RAs
- Chorizo >> Gag: I wrote “in charge of his love life.” I can only assume I meant to preface this fragment with “definitely is not.”
- Jug >> Just Kay: she doesn’t cum enough!
Song: Jack the Necrophiliac and his brother Gus
Accusations: Round... Four.
I don’t know many languages besides Spanish (which I really don’t), French (which my undergrad degree says I do, but I really don’t), and English (which I didn’t even know properly as a child)
- Uncle Fister >> SOCIAL; anyone not at GDR
- Urine Luck sings Rocko’s Modern Life (I don’t get it, either.)
- Just Joey: hat again (again? There was a first time? Seriously. Who chose me.)
- Just Tag >> Cockmaster: something was NOT A SELFIE (Cue Cockmaster to take selfie)
- One Inch In >> Uncle: resisting something
- Cockmaster >> Just Helen: trying out different running clubs
- Penny >> Urine Luck: race-ist attire
- Jug Stain >> Splashback: Wants Chasez’s… something
- Taco Belle is thirsty.
- SotG > Tits: putting in an accusation. (Bystanding hasher: “You are like 0 for 4.” Another half-mind: “Is she turning into the new Cause?”)
Song: A Soldier I Will Be
Accusations: Round Five (I give up on the languages.)
All I wrote was, “People who are old”; “virgins creeping into circle – Urine say it’s acceptable BUT IT’S NOT”; and finally, “Nope, I’m over it.”
NAMING NAMING NAMING NAMING NAMING NAMING NAMING
In Flight Post Script:
I’m finally catching up on writing trash while sitting on a flight to New Orleans. I think the flight attendant serving beverages was really pleased to walk by the aisle and just see “GET MORE BEER, MOTHA FUCKER” in huge letters on one page in my notebook. I’m sure the obese man next to me who’s spilling over into my seat approves as well.